I just found a blog that touched my heart! Like kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com it is about a young woman serving in Uganda (don't you love how I introduce it like a book review?! That is because this blog and Katie's are like good books...and I can't stop reading them!!). I feel re- motivated in my service efforts.
I will admit here, I still struggle almost daily with the desire to go to Ghana, and the confusion about why I was called there but unable to serve there. Why? I have thought maybe it was to find Katie's blog. Tonight, I thought maybe it was to also find Renee's blog. Reading their words feeds my soul and gives me strength.
Recently, I went through a difficult time. I saw no way out of the situation in which I found myself. I was desperate for help out! And I could not find it anywhere. Jeremy did what he could, but nothing was changing what was happening. I was sinking and fast. Then, I read Katie's blog and everything turned around. It truly was a miracle. Like in The Scriptures when Christ heals the sick, or a prophet raises someone from the dead...I was "unhelpable"...completely lost...so far gone there was no hope for me. And I really had lost hope. But Katie changed that. Her blog changed that. Her faith in Christ rejuvenated MY faith in Christ...not that I had ever lost faith in Christ, but somehow I had not allowed Christ to save me in my most desperate time. Reading Katie's blog enabled me to reach out to Christ. It took the numbness I felt and brought it to life.
Maybe that is why I needed to be interested in Ghana and Africa.
God's ways are mysterious, but they are never wrong.
I have been faced with another challenge. I had planned to go to Ghana. In my excitement and enthusiasm, I had told EVERYONE I was going! I was so full of desire to go I didn't listen to the quiet warning to keep it secret. Well, as you all well know, things fell through and I could not go to Ghana. It wasn't "bad" that I had told the world I was going, but in some ways it made me feel like people thought I was just being very fickle. Like I just do things on a whim without really planning them, and therefor never actually accomplish anything. Well, when I felt so inspired to go to China, I decided to keep it a little quieter until things were finalized. I didn't tell Jeremy, or all of my family, or other people I know. I posted it here because not many people I am close to actually read this blog, and I HAD to tell SOMEONE, I was SO EXCITED! :)
Well, once again things have fallen through. I will not be going to China this summer. I am devastated. But I KNOW God has a plan.
Here is what happened: I planned to go teach at HaiHui and live in my old house. I planned to use that as a base to start doing some service...feeding homeless, etc. If I taught there for a year, they would pay my airline tickets, housing, electricity, water...plus I would be in an area with which I was really familiar! I know my way around that city, it is close to the school where I wanted to enroll Taiger, etc. Besides, Mr. Chang is like my Father-In-China and I felt safe working for and near him. I knew his family would help me if I needed anything with Taiger (if he got sick and needed a dr, or something like that).
Well, I emailed Mr. Chang and asked him if there was a job opening this summer. It was, in my mind, more of a formality to "ask" him, as he is always emailing me and begging me to come back or to find teachers for him as they are ALWAYS short handed. My Mom even told me not to worry about emailing him this early because he would always have room for me! Well, I was SO SHOCKED when he wrote back saying he has all the teachers they need for this year! I really was so so so so so shocked!!!!!!!
So, I thought, "Well, I will just go alone and find a house and live on my own." But how will I pay for a house? Electricity? Water? Plane tickets? All of these things I was planning on getting through the school. Not to even mention I was anticipating the income and planning to use that to feed the homeless and needy, not to mention (again!) Taiger and me!!
But I do think it is good because I was worried about how I would work at the school AND juggle everything else.
Anyway, so I have been thrown for a loop...again. I feel like my feet keep getting pulled out from under me. Like I want to shout, "What the heck?!" LOL! But then I remember I am dealing with GOD. ALL mighty. ALL knowing. ALL merciful. HE knows what is best! This is not the right time.
So, I am aiming for next summer (SHHHH! Don't tell because I don't want to have to look like a fool for the third time! Although I should never worry about feeling foolish when I am just doing what God wants...See how "puffed up in the vain things of the world" I am?!?!?!?!?). By then there will either be an opening at the school and I will go that route, or I will have raised enough mula to go it alone! Either way, God's will be done!!!!!!!!!!!
It is difficult to be patient. But, as my Mom reminded me, and I remind myself daily, maybe this is the part where I am supposed to learn the patience spoken of in my Father's Blessing.
Okay, I just HAVE to share how i found out I would not be going to China.
So, I wrote Mr. Chang and waited for three days for a reply (I thought at that time that THAT was me learning patience! HA! How foolish I was "back then"!). My Mom went to pick Bryttan up at a friend's house early one morning and I checked my email. There was the email from Mr. Chang! I opened it all excited, and it said, as I have stated, that there are no openings this year. Well, I was devastated, of course. But I was PRAYING MY HEART OUT to know what it meant, and what to do, and if that was right! The SECOND my Mom came in the door I told her what happened and she said this: "I am not surprised." (I was like, "WHAT?! YOU are the one so sure there would be a spot for me!" Again with the, "What the heck?!" :D ) (She continued:) "I was just driving to go pick Bryttan up and I suddenly got this distinct feeling that you were not going to go to China this summer but that you are supposed to wait. Something, I think, to do with me...with me going with you, or something. You are supposed to wait a year." (At this point a scream, "A YEAR?!?!?!" Listen to me of little faith! Even as I am being told of a Divine inspiration I am put out. I am a Spiritual JERK!) My Mom said that probably she got that inspiration at about the same time I was reading that email. I didn't tell her about my praying, but I think that is probably about the time she was inspired.
God knows me SO WELL. He knows that I listen to my parents so closely when it comes to matters of inspiration, spirituality, and being directed in God's plan. He knew if He told my Mom the same thing, it would be easier for me to accept. GOD IS SO WISE. GOD IS SO GOOD! God is ALWAYS GOOD!